basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
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I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
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Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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