I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
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Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
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She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
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