is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
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It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
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"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
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