One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize