Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
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I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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