thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
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The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
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