I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize