And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Slut skills are useful in every country.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize