never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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