you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize