oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
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Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
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