you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Actions speak louder than pants.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
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