My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
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Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
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Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I have peed in a lot of sinks
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
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