i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
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It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
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Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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