life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize