Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
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How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
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I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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