I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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