I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I am one with the molecules
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize