you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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