i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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