I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize