i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
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My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
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We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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