The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
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No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
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Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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