I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize