I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
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I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
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Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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