Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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