So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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