LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
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She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
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I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize