I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
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He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
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We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
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