god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
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Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
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Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
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