I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
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