shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
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It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
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Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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