I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
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Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
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GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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