the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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