If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
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