He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
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I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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