I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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