Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
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It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
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Matt's offering to breast feed it.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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