How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
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I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
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Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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