i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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