All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
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It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I need to align my fucking chakras
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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