Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize