No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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