got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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