Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
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It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
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HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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