I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
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It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
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You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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