My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
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He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
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I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
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