If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Found your dick twin last night
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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