Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
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You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
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Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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