maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
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He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
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Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Let's get the cat blown out
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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